I haven't written an entry in nearly three months. Shit has changed. I will never live the way I did before this transformation. I love what has happened and what I have been through the past three months. Whether it was the end of Beth and I, or my spiritual experience with past life regression, I truly cannot recall a time in my life where I was ever this content. When the time is right, every entry before this will be erased.

Walking down, further, above ground. Synchronized march.
My mind wanders where my identity was lost.
Grey buildings form mystic figures, overlapping a pale sky.
I forget how it feels to grasp the wind.
To touch the water.
It's not sinking in.
I'm sinking in.

I walked those streets for what felt like an eternity, but I left with nothing.
I lose.
I lose.
I fucking lose.
I'm carving those words, sharpening the edges.
Into my heart.
I know nothing else.

I don't know why I was given an opportunity at life when I am convinced that I don't deserve it.

Never Came Knocking

With the sediment I comply. Nostalgia came in waves and kept me here, held in captivity beneath ruin. My mind is heavy with fear. Although my eyes are closed and will remain closed, I feel stronger than ever. I'd give my life for a kiss but I am unable to accept this gift.

To Touch Heaven

I've loved the world that doesn't love me back but I just can't do it anymore. I feel threatened. There are no words to describe these feelings this time. I'm the only enemy I've ever had to face. No progress. No beginnings. I'm going to die at the hands of my discretion if I refuse to make changes. 

I'm sorry I'm not as easygoing as you would have liked.

All the love existing in me that I could ever bring forth shines in your direction.

It wraps itself around you and holds you tighter than anything you could imagine.

I'm scared to touch heaven.

I'm scared for our lips to graze.

But I can't help but breakdown at your feet because it is the only way I can feel alive.

The only time when I really exist in my body and not the fucking sky.

I press my nose against the glass and feel the cold run through my veins. Depravation is blinding. It's sharp, lingering presence cuts through the night. Water trickles down from my nose, my eyes and down my face. It allows me to see clearly. To feel, vividly. Exasperated, I clench my hands. My body quivers uncontrollably. I am in knots again. 

Love lost but never forgotten.

Unable to walk alone, I'd run to nowhere at all.

In This Journey

The door is held open by the crack of light beneath it. It's held wide, held tight. The way I carried you. I'll catch you. My heart held by hands with wings. Towards warmth I meet you along the coastline. With the wind at our backs, we yield the horizon under our feet. Open wounds cry in grievance, a thirst for the light to flood them. To heal them.

In savage, rabid tears we'll meet love with crushing force. Raw, unaltered.
We'll penetrate the sky with our fingertips.
Our epilogue doesn't stop here.
Our story will make history.

I just died when you walked out the door. The footsteps that followed had nothing to leave behind.

Bleakest complexion at the water's edge.

Oh, silence, you're weighing me down.

My heart sinks in humility.

What, then, does safety mean to us?