I'm spinning so fast and I've lost all sense of direction. I've got my hands held out in the dark, waiting to break the fall. This is one of the darkest places I have ever been in. The only thing really getting me through is the fact that my mom is moving out and that I'll be driving soon. I can finally shed some skin and look to getting my new life on track. I want so desperately to put all of the burdening my mom has caused behind me forever. No turning back. If you ever read this dad, I can't forgive you. I'm sorry but it is too late for you. You failed as a father and a man. You missed out and it's your loss. You never knew me and I doubt you ever will. I sacrificed my childhood for you, mom. Not knowing one day to the next whether you would live to see me grow up, or wake up from your binge the night before. I wasted so much time on both of you, trying to figure out what I can do or what I could change to make this all better. It's all your fault, honestly. You fucked up. I grew up. I got my hopes up. I raised the bar. I actually expected both of you to be nurturing, loving figures. What more does a child need than to know he can still feel alive? I don't know what I want anymore or where I belong. I'd be kidding myself if I ever said that I actually knew or even had a clue. Something is missing, and it's something big. Is it a relationship? Or maybe it's the relationship I used to have with myself that disappeared. The one with my parents that ceased to exist from the very beginning. Maybe I could meet a new girl and get somewhere with her for a change. Lay together and gain some understanding, at least for a little while. Listening to her and learning about her. I could share fond memories and she could share hers too, all the while walking hand in hand. I want more than anything to feel that. To get completely caught up in the moment and be swept away completely by a glisten in her eyes. Hold hands, fall asleep. Wake up and spend the day in bed. I'd make you breakfast and kiss your forehead like you were the best friend I could have ever asked for. We'll take a drive, and stargaze. We'll watch the city lights shine with dignity and burn out all in a single moment. Your handprint is burnt into my heart forever. A wish for understanding. A wish for love, loyalty and compassion. For a way to overcome this struggle that is raging within me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it. 

I've read my other posts over numerous times and feel that they do not advocate me in any way, except for a particular feeling or thought at the time which will undoubtedly be lost later down the line. I'd love to be able to completely sum myself up in a few short words just so I could feel understood effortlessly, by absolutely anyone, without any drawbacks. My thoughts, feelings and belief system are nothing more than a particle of dust, drifting along the surface, astray. I'll sometimes think about how many lives actually exist in the world and I ask myself how many of those lives will be something different. What will be unique about your existence, and what will not? I conclude that my life will leave a very small mark on the world and I am okay with this. My footprint will remain an accompanying bystander to that of the giant that is the world in which I am a part of. All the while I do not feel a part of this world in any way. I like to look at this as a realistic philosophical standpoint rather than a pessimistic one. It's interesting to think about how something as simple as a leaf or the captivity of the moonlight can influence so much of my thoughts and what emotions can be brought out from within me because of it. I see hints of other worlds in the reflections of a crystal lake. Mountain top silhouettes, serrated skyline. I believe in other worlds. I believe in life unknown to us. I believe in love, in compassion, and an honest nature. I believe that death is merely a departure and the start to something new and something beautiful. I do not fear the end and I certainly do not fear what lies beyond our knowledge. Vast and perpetuating. A mind wanders, fields, paths. Erosion. Decay. Rebirth. 

''Disconnecting hearts and reverence denied. We are justified only through our dreams where we sleep soundly among the many broken and lost before us.''

I'm actually in a bitter mood again. I was fortunate enough to not feel that at all over the break, but coming back to school today brought me back to those feelings I thought I had finally abandoned. Sure enough three out of four of my classes are grade 11. Perfect. I don't know/and or talk to anyone in all of them. I can't wait to put all of this behind me and finally surround myself with people that are right for me, if they're out there at least.  24 is on tonight at least. Stoked as fuck on that. Hopefully that 1 hour of greatness can make up for my day that wasn't so great. 

I haven't written a blog in awhile so I thought I would mosey my way over here and write one. Semester two starts tomorrow. Hopefully I can get my shit together because it's going to be much heavier than the first. Oh well, it's my last shot at highschool life so that might motivate me along. May and June should rule because I'll finally be driving to school and the weather will be nice. I miss walking around at 9:30 at night in a tee. I'll probably just take a whole bunch of hours at the Superstore when I'm finished. I'd like to go to college down the road but I need to take some time to figure out what it is that I want to do. I did surprisingly well this past semester considering I hardly showed up. I managed to pull an 80% in Art somehow (I don't know how!) and a high eighty in English. 64% in Woodshop but I don't give a shite, that class is for the birds haha. Comm Tech was an ''incomplete'', so that bought me some more time to work on my video. I must say that overall that isn't too bad considering this past few months has been such a struggle and I felt that I didn't do well at all. Imagine if I actually tried. I could achieve a lot. As usual, I'm working at 4:00 this evening. Not crazy about closing on Sundays but whatever, it'll get me out of the house. I had the sweetest sleep of life last night so this is as good as it gets for me.