I'm spinning so fast and I've lost all sense of direction. I've got my hands held out in the dark, waiting to break the fall. This is one of the darkest places I have ever been in. The only thing really getting me through is the fact that my mom is moving out and that I'll be driving soon. I can finally shed some skin and look to getting my new life on track. I want so desperately to put all of the burdening my mom has caused behind me forever. No turning back. If you ever read this dad, I can't forgive you. I'm sorry but it is too late for you. You failed as a father and a man. You missed out and it's your loss. You never knew me and I doubt you ever will. I sacrificed my childhood for you, mom. Not knowing one day to the next whether you would live to see me grow up, or wake up from your binge the night before. I wasted so much time on both of you, trying to figure out what I can do or what I could change to make this all better. It's all your fault, honestly. You fucked up. I grew up. I got my hopes up. I raised the bar. I actually expected both of you to be nurturing, loving figures. What more does a child need than to know he can still feel alive? I don't know what I want anymore or where I belong. I'd be kidding myself if I ever said that I actually knew or even had a clue. Something is missing, and it's something big. Is it a relationship? Or maybe it's the relationship I used to have with myself that disappeared. The one with my parents that ceased to exist from the very beginning. Maybe I could meet a new girl and get somewhere with her for a change. Lay together and gain some understanding, at least for a little while. Listening to her and learning about her. I could share fond memories and she could share hers too, all the while walking hand in hand. I want more than anything to feel that. To get completely caught up in the moment and be swept away completely by a glisten in her eyes. Hold hands, fall asleep. Wake up and spend the day in bed. I'd make you breakfast and kiss your forehead like you were the best friend I could have ever asked for. We'll take a drive, and stargaze. We'll watch the city lights shine with dignity and burn out all in a single moment. Your handprint is burnt into my heart forever. A wish for understanding. A wish for love, loyalty and compassion. For a way to overcome this struggle that is raging within me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it.