These Lights Are Brighter Than Ever

My mom moved out yesterday after almost six years and I'm in total disbelief about how I'm feeling. All my depression, all my thoughts of suicide, all the anger, bitterness and self hatred have completely diminished. This is the greatest weight I have ever experienced lifted from my shoulders. It's just my grandma and I now. I actually feel in control of my life. I know I'm coming home to a place where I am actually comfortable and happy, not some war zone. I feel like my four years in high school could have been so much better if this had happened 5 years ago. I was painfully, painfully lonely in school and I wish it was different. I knew all along what was holding me back and it was all the guilt, the anger I had for my mom. I was angry that she didn't watch me grow up. I was angry at her for choosing drugs over me. I was angry that my dad was the most distant, defunct human being and poorest excuse for a father I could have asked for. I was angry that my mom made barely any progress in her own life the five years that she spent living with my grandma and I. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't just kick her the fuck out. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't face that my mother was to blame for tearing this household and family apart. I was angry that she was too weak to deal with this even though everyone knew exactly what the problem was and exactly what needed to be done to put an end to all of our suffering. I'm happy because absolutely none of this matters anymore. I can finally live my life the way I was destined to from the very beginning. I'll be driving soon. I'll be done with school and out of there forever. Looking back on these four years, I honestly didn't think I would make it out alive. I wanted to die more than anything. But now I genuinely believe that it wasn't because I was truly an unhappy person, but because I was so depressed with my situation and lack of control in my life that I just couldn't find what it was that I needed to want to continue. I went through school totally sober which actually made this whole situation worse because not only was I completely aware of all these feelings, but I used nothing to numb the effects that they had on me. They would just perpetuate, day in, day out and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain. I don't care if this sounds lame, but I feel so strong now. I hope I can someday forgive my mom and that she'll understand the damage that she caused me, but for now I need the space from her. My grandma was there for me from the start and it looks like she'll be there in the end too. If you ever read this I hope you know how much I love you. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Everything seems so much lighter now. It was impossible before. My mom here, everyday. The feelings went along with that. I couldn't let go under those circumstances. I've never been able to put into words exactly what my mom has done to me and why it hurt me so bad. I'll save that one for another time. This past weekend in Georgetown was probably one of the best I've ever had. I felt completely at peace with myself and the people around me. I've always stayed true to myself and felt okay about that, but this was the first time I actually felt proud of that. I felt such liberation eating what I wanted, going where I wanted, when I wanted. Sleeping where I wanted and doing whatever I felt like doing. I'm grateful I didn't cut my life short because I deserved this chance. I knew it all along and I knew I could grasp it someday. I know these feelings are only going to grow. I can't stop now. I've come so far and the lights are brighter than ever.