Tides of Time

There must be something out there, beyond these walls, behind these barriers. City fragments lie diminished, pierced against the sky in ruin. I can feel myself losing touch. I'm happiest asleep because nothing matters then, nothing hurts then and nothing is expected. You can't fall short in dreams. Nights are growing longer and days are growing shorter. I witness the sun's ever growing beams of light fade behind a grey horizon line. Incessant rainfall reminiscent of tears. Dismantle my heart from it's highest point of greatness. With your words, your whisper upon my face. Your presence is the glow in my eyes that hits me like the winds that roll in off these tides of time. These jagged rocks pierce through the skyline, giving a whole new meaning to life. Adapt, create, destroy. Feelings are reborn and diminish with the seasons. The first light of winter has caused a shift in my promised land.

Tempest Rise

Above the world and looking down through the stars, through the infinity gates. With each passing memory of you, the stars burn out one by one. A final blow of the candles flame and the day is gone. Night commence my longing spirit. See through me and all that I have to give. I am seeking salvation within your hope that is granted through truth. Rapture wash over me. Raised hands to the clouds, screaming from the pit of my stomach to the depth of my soul. Send me your wisdom so it can lead me to a place that knows no fear. Take me there. Cast to the very edge of the earth where time stands at a still and winds carry only a burden of tragedy. I see you fading in the distance and it's breaking me, taking me in. You sweep over me like a canopy that fell from the very lips of god. Suspended and embraced in it's warmth I fall into sleep. Your hands. Your breath. Your light. Your life.

I've been holding back tears today. The way I try to get to know people, the way I care and what I invest is never returned and in turn makes me feel like nobody is ever going to know who I am and that is my biggest fear. I'm afraid of dying and nobody knowing what's inside of me, how my head works, what my heart holds true and what I loved the most. If there is a god, I need you now. 

A pale grey tide sweeps the streets with pity rain to wipe the deceivers clean. Canyons of gold and frost tarnished, mesmerized. Shores splintered along cliffs, gasping for breath with each crash of a wave. I walk the earth in light of discovery with my chin held high and my arms stretched out as the horizons bear me my name. Harness strength from the depths of the ocean floor. Translucent daybreak, mirrors rendering fire.

All my life I have felt like there wasn't anywhere I really fit. I've been called deep, over-analytical, intense, passionate, witty, sarcastic, reserved and overly sensitive. I'm starting to find peace in living my daily life with little expectations and not worrying or caring about too much of anything. Going with the flow has never been easy for me but it is something I am getting pretty comfortable with. I know I am going to die someday and I'm not afraid. There is something in my heart telling me that there is nothing to fear and I am listening closely and deeper than I ever have. It feels like my spirit is living outside of my body and that I'm learning to function without it for the first time. The clouds are cascading, endless and hopeful. They caress my face with a promise of divinity. I dreamt of this moment. The moment in my life where I could finally be free of the bonds of others and the shackles that have held me down for so long. 

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Not really sure why but I think it might be because I've been feeling alright. I guess I've just been drifting through the days but I'm not nearly as unhappy and I'm not expecting anything of anyone. I used to feel that I had no direction, no skills, no place to go once school was finally out but I'm actually feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay for some reason. I realize now that all of the depression I felt before was completely, 100% situationally based. Now that I'm finally past that I can have some faith in myself. My road test for my G2 is less than 3 weeks away. Beyond excited for that. Also, the weather is really lifting my spirits. I decided to spend the rest of my savings on a sweet new bike so I can finally ride again. That was always when I felt the happiest. Cruising around town and rolling home from work with the wind in my hair and nothing but the world around me for the taking. Hopefully I can start hitting some jumps too. I love riding dirt because not only am I in the woods, but I can build jumps and use my imagination. It's pretty much the best feeling ever. My life is pretty uneventful otherwise, but I think that's going to change pretty soon. I'm literally biking and working all summer long, it's going to be so dirty. Late night cruises to Oakville and shopping trips to Toronto. Tons of camping and shows too. I should probably be thinking about school applications at this point in time but fuck it, I'll apply when I'm sure. I was so sure I wanted to be a journalist or write for a paper or magazine or something but a trade is really appealing to me now. I could see myself making rustic furniture in my own little shop, or welding or even making cabinets. I've still got time to decide, and although my school tells me differently, I'm not listening. I'm only 17, I've got plenty of time. Aside from the awesome summer I'm going to have, I think I'm going to start putting more money away after I buy my bike. That's the last major purchase I'm making for awhile because I spent the other half on my tattoo. Maybe not the best idea but you're only young once so why not get it when money isn't a big concern? My wardrobe is almost complete. I've got tons of clothes that I actually like now, so I don't think I'll be buying too many new clothes anytime soon. I'm going to wrap this up now because I don't know where I'm trying to go with this post anymore haha. Thanks to anyone who is reading these. Peace.

These Lights Are Brighter Than Ever

My mom moved out yesterday after almost six years and I'm in total disbelief about how I'm feeling. All my depression, all my thoughts of suicide, all the anger, bitterness and self hatred have completely diminished. This is the greatest weight I have ever experienced lifted from my shoulders. It's just my grandma and I now. I actually feel in control of my life. I know I'm coming home to a place where I am actually comfortable and happy, not some war zone. I feel like my four years in high school could have been so much better if this had happened 5 years ago. I was painfully, painfully lonely in school and I wish it was different. I knew all along what was holding me back and it was all the guilt, the anger I had for my mom. I was angry that she didn't watch me grow up. I was angry at her for choosing drugs over me. I was angry that my dad was the most distant, defunct human being and poorest excuse for a father I could have asked for. I was angry that my mom made barely any progress in her own life the five years that she spent living with my grandma and I. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't just kick her the fuck out. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't face that my mother was to blame for tearing this household and family apart. I was angry that she was too weak to deal with this even though everyone knew exactly what the problem was and exactly what needed to be done to put an end to all of our suffering. I'm happy because absolutely none of this matters anymore. I can finally live my life the way I was destined to from the very beginning. I'll be driving soon. I'll be done with school and out of there forever. Looking back on these four years, I honestly didn't think I would make it out alive. I wanted to die more than anything. But now I genuinely believe that it wasn't because I was truly an unhappy person, but because I was so depressed with my situation and lack of control in my life that I just couldn't find what it was that I needed to want to continue. I went through school totally sober which actually made this whole situation worse because not only was I completely aware of all these feelings, but I used nothing to numb the effects that they had on me. They would just perpetuate, day in, day out and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain. I don't care if this sounds lame, but I feel so strong now. I hope I can someday forgive my mom and that she'll understand the damage that she caused me, but for now I need the space from her. My grandma was there for me from the start and it looks like she'll be there in the end too. If you ever read this I hope you know how much I love you. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Everything seems so much lighter now. It was impossible before. My mom here, everyday. The feelings went along with that. I couldn't let go under those circumstances. I've never been able to put into words exactly what my mom has done to me and why it hurt me so bad. I'll save that one for another time. This past weekend in Georgetown was probably one of the best I've ever had. I felt completely at peace with myself and the people around me. I've always stayed true to myself and felt okay about that, but this was the first time I actually felt proud of that. I felt such liberation eating what I wanted, going where I wanted, when I wanted. Sleeping where I wanted and doing whatever I felt like doing. I'm grateful I didn't cut my life short because I deserved this chance. I knew it all along and I knew I could grasp it someday. I know these feelings are only going to grow. I can't stop now. I've come so far and the lights are brighter than ever.