So as usual, I'm not stressing about exams whatsoever seeing as I barely even try at school. Grade 9 was my only good year academically and it all seemed to spiral downhill after that. I really don't know what caused that to happen but it's unfortunate that I chose to fuck myself like that. If I put forth even a minimal effort I might not feel like such a failure. Hopefully I actually get out of bed tomorrow morning for my first class. I haven't been to that class, on time, in over a month. Wow, so much for busting my ass in my senior year. What am I a senior of exactly? The second floor of the locker bay is reserved for senior students, and let me tell you, it is not all it's made out to be. When I first came to EC, I thought it was the coolest place to be, the cream of the crop, the top of the food chain. In the younger grades, I pondered thoughts of looking down on all the kids below me and how sweet it must feel to be a big, scary grade 12. Well now that I'm there it's absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. I expected high school to be the way it's portrayed in the movies. I wasn't reckless or dangerous. I didn't take risks. I didn't make friends. I didn't party and get fucked up. I didn't get anything out of being there and I sure as hell didn't have fun. I never tried to validate myself with a ''crew'' or take advantage of any drunk chicks half naked at parties. Maybe now I wish that I had. I can't express how shitty it makes me feel and what a let down I've been to myself to miss out on all the glory that is these 4 years. Whether it's getting loaded, or joining clubs or even having a splinter of school spirit, I avoided it all. I made a conscious choice to stay away from drugs and alcohol and the party life. I didn't feel the need to submit myself to that lifestyle because I knew that these weren't people that I needed or wanted in my life. I never felt the need to fit in with any particular group or sway my beliefs or opinions in order to impress. All of the important things to most of the people in school never meant a thing to me but a piece of me kind of wishes that they did. At least I would know then what is important. Here I am, still Straight Edge after a year, still healthy and intact with a brain to match but still without any sense of direction, feeling of personal accomplishment, and any kick ass memories that were my high school days. I'm not saying I regret my decision to dismiss drinking and drugs, I just wonder what life would be like had I gone through high school doing what most kids do. I wonder what I would be like. Would I be any happier, or would I succumb to numbness of all emotion? Would I pity myself even more, or would I be too fucked up to care? I really don't know the answer to that but the one thing I do know is that I am done with that place. I wouldn't mind walking away with something other than a piece of paper saying that I did my time but it seems that it's too late for that. I need to find my smile and something tells me it's not far from reach. Let's find a reason to want to be here, shall we?  

Things have been mostly looking up a great deal for me lately. I've realized a lot of really valuable things that I think will help shape the next few months. Aside from being super bored of my music collection and the school system in general, I'm feeling good. This is probably one of the few times in my teen years that I haven't had feelings for a girl. I can't express how freeing that is. Just not caring about a relationship for a change. A committed, honest and loving partnership will always be in the back of my mind because it's a fundamental part of who I am and what I want out of life. It's not everything, but it's a part of what I want in the long run. I've been talking to some really cool girls lately and it's been all around really nice. Just keeping it simple and making friends. Hopefully I'm past making the usual mistakes where girls are concerned. Not jumping in, not investing so many feelings, not giving too much away too quickly. All of these things hurt me in the past and butchered relationships that probably would have worked out at some other time in my life had it been for a different mindset. Aside from that, work is great. I love coming home reeking to high heaven of smoked turkey and black forest ham. Having a fat paycheck in the bank every Thursday and the satisfaction of knowing I earned the money I'm working for. One of the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced was biking home from work in the summer with my IPod blaring and the wind in my hair. It was honestly unreal. School sucks total nut, but I've got a lot more writing courses next semester so that should encourage me a little bit more to attend and hopefully it will validate the direction I want to go in once highschool is done. Basically I want to put in a good effort and really figure out if writing is for me. I'm almost positive that it is. Come February, most of my classes will be geared towards business which should be interesting considering I've never really dwelled in those courses before because I knew they were more of a challenge and I've been afraid to challenge myself. Work, school, and some perspective on life. Freedom is soon to follow and I absolutely cannot wait. Get stoked ladies and gentlemen. 

I've become so numb and transpired to emptiness. I'm no longer prone to such vulnerability which is relieving in it's own right, but it feels lonelier than ever now. I'm having trouble caring about anything that matters. I can barely laugh or smile while I'm at school. I avoid people and I don't really care to keep in touch with people. I've got a lot of important decisions to make in the next few months but I don't know if I have the strength or motivation to do so. Trying to maintain a positive attitude towards any progression in my life at all hasn't lasted more than a few days. I'm well aware of where I falter but I seriously lack the will to get back up again. I need to brush off and move on. I want to let go of the past.

January/5/09

So today was our first day back to school from the Christmas break and let me tell you, it was really eventful. So eventful in fact I completely forget what happened because there was just too much going on. That was sarcasm at it's finest. I got there semi on time, around 8:20 which is huge for me considering I slept in until about 9:30 or later everyday before the break began. Funnily enough I think I actually got something out of that time off. I learned a thing or two about myself, worked quite a bit and just lounged around the house. Nothing special, but hey, I'm coming back to school with a little better mindset than I had before I left. I decided that I'm really going to push myself to do well next semester. I'm going to clean up my attendance and hopefully leave that place with some confidence under my belt. I would like to be proud of something that I accomplished for once. It's my last chance to prove to myself that I'm worthy of doing a good job. Walking through those halls today was painstakingly familiar. It feels like I hadn't even been away from them at all. I've got to say that walking home for lunch alone everyday is really starting to bum me out. Sometimes I wish I was somebody else so I could look at my day through different eyes. I wonder if they're as lonely as I am.

I'm 17. Holy fuck, I can't believe I'm one of the kids I remember fearing way back when I was a little boy. I still remember being at my grandmas side, being afraid of almost everything in the world. My eyes filled with fear and wonder. Now I just see these fears as opportunities. Wow, time really does fly. I'm going to be done high school soon and before I know it I'll be venturing out into the real world. It scares the shit out of me but at the same time I can't wait for this next phase of my life. I know it's going to be some of the best years ever. I'm not tied down to anything and I'm completely free to experience whatever it is that I want. I'll have my G2 in April and I honestly think that is going to be life changing. Being able to just drive. I can crank my music and let the road take me. I'll let the road carry me home. Wherever that may be is for me to discover. I'll have a place of my own someday. Nothing fancy, just a simple little place. Hell, it'll probably be a pile of shit, but it'll be my pile of shit. I'll drive a shitty car to my shitty, dead end job and I'll come home to a girl who knows me for who I really am and loves me anyway. I'll go off to college and feel like I accomplished something there. Hopefully I'll get married one day. I want a family. I want to have kids and I'm going to give them everything that my parents never gave me. I know everybody says that but I'll follow through. There are two places I feel at my absolute best. Shows, and in nature. I love losing myself to the trees and finding refuge in all the beauty that mother earth holds. There is something so liberating about being completely alone in the wilderness. I don't even know how to explain it. I can gather all my thoughts collectively. I can reflect on memories and my life and just smile because I feel completely safe. I can stare into a river and feel complete peace. I can witness the leaves falling from a tree and feel at one with it. I can look at the mountains, stretching forever from the corner of my eye and know that I have found my salvation. With nature, there is no distance, no pain and no longing. It is what it is and that's all there is to it. Shows give me much the same high as nature does. Screaming your lungs out to words that have gotten you through some of the roughest points in your life is something that I will always hold extremely close to my heart. I'll never forget the first show I did that at. It was Oceans in Burlington, Ontario. The line was, ''You will always be fighting with us, we will always be fighting for you.'' There is something so magical about a room full of sweaty kids who share the same passion for something as you do. I've been searching for passion in things for a long time, and one of the only things that really fulfills that for me is writing. It doesn't matter what it is. As long as I can express myself through words I know that I will always be okay. One of my greatest hopes in life is that people will get to know me through my writing, or at least gain something from it. Understanding, insight, whatever. That's not up to me. I write what I feel and I live what I write. It is something that is so important to me and if you know me personally, something you know that I love to do. With all this being said, I'm just downright scared to move on. I'm scared to progress through life but it's something that I want more than anything else. I suck in school, I couldn't cook you a fish if it was the last one in the sea, but I'm trying to tell myself that I'm something. I'm making an effort to find a reason to be here because I know deep down that life truly is worth living.

So basically I figure my first real post might as well be about something that has been bothering me a considerable amount lately. Brace yourselves because there will be more of these to come. Relationships and people in general. I don't know if it's just me but friendships and relationships these days seem to be typically very superficial and void. When I hear about old couples who have been married for 50 odd years it puts a smile on my face. I totally light up at the thought. All the hardships these people have gone through and all the amazing times too, you can't forget those. At the end of the day they are still grateful for each other. To me, that's the way it should be. I can't have it any other way. That seems to be a lost cause and I for one think that's tragic. What ever happened to love for the sake of loving? It seems like that has become a thing of the past. Maybe visionary splendor. I've had five or six relationships gone bad now (if that's what you even want to call them) and to be totally honest, I've grown rather jaded. I don't really expect anything of anyone anymore, including friendships. I for one am not satisfied with the usual ''Hey, what's up?'' conversation. I always seem to long for something more and expect people to be able to give me more than that. Sometimes it's timing, but sometimes not everyone is capable of giving to that capacity. I've learned over the past few months that there is a big difference between friends and good people. Good people aren't necessarily your friends and your friends aren't necessarily good people. I've decided to take a break from relationships because I'm tired of leaving myself so vulnerable. I seem to spill my heart out to every girl I meet and in the end it's my hope for what we could have been that leaves me out to dry. I'm in love with love, and although it can be an extraordinary feeling, it's a very lonely one most of the time. I will not to continue to jump in with both feet. This most recent relationship that ended was an eye opener for sure, but has left me very bitter. I don't trust nearly as easily because she taught me that people tend to say what you want to hear and will go along with something strictly because it feels nice at the time. I've been terrified to lose my virginity for the longest time because I didn't know how to cope with it if everything went sour between us. I fall for a girl as soon as I kiss them, how will I be once I have sex with one? Probably worse. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure that my first time isn't that big of a deal. If I take it how I normally would, my heart will probably be shattered again. Something else I've learned is that I have never missed a girlfriend while I'm in the relationship or once it ends. I've never connected with a girl the way I want to so how could I miss it if I know that it isn't right? Maybe I'm just clinging on to hope. Clinging to my dreams of what my ideal relationship should feel like. Honestly, I have no expectations. I never have and never will. I have a very vivid perception of how it should feel, but I have absolutely none otherwise. I've been told that I do and that they're way too high but I can't see it. All I want is a girl who is comfortable enough with me to wear her pajamas around me. I want to be able to fall asleep with her and know that she won't wake up the next day and be on to the next one. A girl I can just spend the day talking to, maybe make her breakfast in bed. I just want to be able to talk to people. Friendship is valuable and so is time spent with people. I don't give it away as easily anymore because it usually isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, no one will ever take away my ability to love and I will always believe that the right girl is out there for me, somewhere. Whether I meet or tomorrow or ten years from now makes no difference. I believe in love and I believe in light. But for once I'm keeping my eyes open and holding my heart a little closer.

Brand Spankin' New.

I just decided to make this today, as I am someone with a lot of opinions to voice and a lot of feeling inside me. I need an outlet. In a world were there are so few people to rely on and share your stories with, I'm turning to the internet hahaha. But really, the reasons for this blog are simple- I want to express myself, my thoughts and my decisions. I could care less who reads this, I just want to die knowing that I left at least some mark on the world. I am 17 years old. I need to know that there will be some proof of my existence when I'm long gone. Maybe my kids will read this someday. Who knows for sure.