So basically I figure my first real post might as well be about something that has been bothering me a considerable amount lately. Brace yourselves because there will be more of these to come. Relationships and people in general. I don't know if it's just me but friendships and relationships these days seem to be typically very superficial and void. When I hear about old couples who have been married for 50 odd years it puts a smile on my face. I totally light up at the thought. All the hardships these people have gone through and all the amazing times too, you can't forget those. At the end of the day they are still grateful for each other. To me, that's the way it should be. I can't have it any other way. That seems to be a lost cause and I for one think that's tragic. What ever happened to love for the sake of loving? It seems like that has become a thing of the past. Maybe visionary splendor. I've had five or six relationships gone bad now (if that's what you even want to call them) and to be totally honest, I've grown rather jaded. I don't really expect anything of anyone anymore, including friendships. I for one am not satisfied with the usual ''Hey, what's up?'' conversation. I always seem to long for something more and expect people to be able to give me more than that. Sometimes it's timing, but sometimes not everyone is capable of giving to that capacity. I've learned over the past few months that there is a big difference between friends and good people. Good people aren't necessarily your friends and your friends aren't necessarily good people. I've decided to take a break from relationships because I'm tired of leaving myself so vulnerable. I seem to spill my heart out to every girl I meet and in the end it's my hope for what we could have been that leaves me out to dry. I'm in love with love, and although it can be an extraordinary feeling, it's a very lonely one most of the time. I will not to continue to jump in with both feet. This most recent relationship that ended was an eye opener for sure, but has left me very bitter. I don't trust nearly as easily because she taught me that people tend to say what you want to hear and will go along with something strictly because it feels nice at the time. I've been terrified to lose my virginity for the longest time because I didn't know how to cope with it if everything went sour between us. I fall for a girl as soon as I kiss them, how will I be once I have sex with one? Probably worse. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure that my first time isn't that big of a deal. If I take it how I normally would, my heart will probably be shattered again. Something else I've learned is that I have never missed a girlfriend while I'm in the relationship or once it ends. I've never connected with a girl the way I want to so how could I miss it if I know that it isn't right? Maybe I'm just clinging on to hope. Clinging to my dreams of what my ideal relationship should feel like. Honestly, I have no expectations. I never have and never will. I have a very vivid perception of how it should feel, but I have absolutely none otherwise. I've been told that I do and that they're way too high but I can't see it. All I want is a girl who is comfortable enough with me to wear her pajamas around me. I want to be able to fall asleep with her and know that she won't wake up the next day and be on to the next one. A girl I can just spend the day talking to, maybe make her breakfast in bed. I just want to be able to talk to people. Friendship is valuable and so is time spent with people. I don't give it away as easily anymore because it usually isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, no one will ever take away my ability to love and I will always believe that the right girl is out there for me, somewhere. Whether I meet or tomorrow or ten years from now makes no difference. I believe in love and I believe in light. But for once I'm keeping my eyes open and holding my heart a little closer.