Monday, January 19, 2009
So as usual, I'm not stressing about exams whatsoever seeing as I barely even try at school. Grade 9 was my only good year academically and it all seemed to spiral downhill after that. I really don't know what caused that to happen but it's unfortunate that I chose to fuck myself like that. If I put forth even a minimal effort I might not feel like such a failure. Hopefully I actually get out of bed tomorrow morning for my first class. I haven't been to that class, on time, in over a month. Wow, so much for busting my ass in my senior year. What am I a senior of exactly? The second floor of the locker bay is reserved for senior students, and let me tell you, it is not all it's made out to be. When I first came to EC, I thought it was the coolest place to be, the cream of the crop, the top of the food chain. In the younger grades, I pondered thoughts of looking down on all the kids below me and how sweet it must feel to be a big, scary grade 12. Well now that I'm there it's absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. I expected high school to be the way it's portrayed in the movies. I wasn't reckless or dangerous. I didn't take risks. I didn't make friends. I didn't party and get fucked up. I didn't get anything out of being there and I sure as hell didn't have fun. I never tried to validate myself with a ''crew'' or take advantage of any drunk chicks half naked at parties. Maybe now I wish that I had. I can't express how shitty it makes me feel and what a let down I've been to myself to miss out on all the glory that is these 4 years. Whether it's getting loaded, or joining clubs or even having a splinter of school spirit, I avoided it all. I made a conscious choice to stay away from drugs and alcohol and the party life. I didn't feel the need to submit myself to that lifestyle because I knew that these weren't people that I needed or wanted in my life. I never felt the need to fit in with any particular group or sway my beliefs or opinions in order to impress. All of the important things to most of the people in school never meant a thing to me but a piece of me kind of wishes that they did. At least I would know then what is important. Here I am, still Straight Edge after a year, still healthy and intact with a brain to match but still without any sense of direction, feeling of personal accomplishment, and any kick ass memories that were my high school days. I'm not saying I regret my decision to dismiss drinking and drugs, I just wonder what life would be like had I gone through high school doing what most kids do. I wonder what I would be like. Would I be any happier, or would I succumb to numbness of all emotion? Would I pity myself even more, or would I be too fucked up to care? I really don't know the answer to that but the one thing I do know is that I am done with that place. I wouldn't mind walking away with something other than a piece of paper saying that I did my time but it seems that it's too late for that. I need to find my smile and something tells me it's not far from reach. Let's find a reason to want to be here, shall we?
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i think about that same thing often man. well not in regards to straight edge, i just mean wondering what i'd be like had i done things differently throughout highschool. my conclusion is: yes, i would be a very different person. maybe i'd have gotten laid a few times, had a few more drunken nights, an extended good memories list, fuck, i don't know, hockey games? bottom line. i'd probably be a huge asshole and just feel like a total fraud inside, knowing all along that i put who i am aside in order to fit in or make said types of gains. don't get down on yourself just cause who you are doesn't agree with the mainstream depiction of "teenager". just be happy and find comfort in the fact that you've been true to yourself. and trust me, you're not only in feeling this way. it's just a matter of finding more people out there like you. fuck everybody else, who needs them?
ReplyDeletewow i tried to type "not alone" and "not the only one" at the same time. it came out as "not only". pick one of to replace it with haha.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying dude, I feel the same/have the same thing happening to me. Feeling like I might have missed out, maybe I should have been more outgoing, been more ambitious. But that would just be me become like any other yeah dude, and I have to say I would rather feel this miserable all the time than be an idiot like that. I don't feel so miserable anymore, I've accepted my choices(or lack thereof) and I have sweet friends, which I don't think I would have if I hadn't made the choices I made.
ReplyDeleteword.
You're right, Scott. It's a great realization to make but unfortunately a really lonely one. I agree with what you said about finding comfort in the fact that you stayed true to yourself though. I think that's a great thing and has made made me feel less miserable, like Mike said. Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm a lurk.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to tell you, except that it doesn't matter how much or how little you participated in the "high school experiance", whatever that might mean to you, come summer, none of it will mean shit to you.
Life's never like the movies, man.
trust me man, once youre gone and out of that place you'll never look back. everyone hates high school, i did all those shitty things you mentioned and im still glad im out of that place. next year will be a lot different, for better or for worse
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