Never Came Knocking

With the sediment I comply. Nostalgia came in waves and kept me here, held in captivity beneath ruin. My mind is heavy with fear. Although my eyes are closed and will remain closed, I feel stronger than ever. I'd give my life for a kiss but I am unable to accept this gift.

To Touch Heaven

I've loved the world that doesn't love me back but I just can't do it anymore. I feel threatened. There are no words to describe these feelings this time. I'm the only enemy I've ever had to face. No progress. No beginnings. I'm going to die at the hands of my discretion if I refuse to make changes. 

I'm sorry I'm not as easygoing as you would have liked.

All the love existing in me that I could ever bring forth shines in your direction.

It wraps itself around you and holds you tighter than anything you could imagine.

I'm scared to touch heaven.

I'm scared for our lips to graze.

But I can't help but breakdown at your feet because it is the only way I can feel alive.

The only time when I really exist in my body and not the fucking sky.

I press my nose against the glass and feel the cold run through my veins. Depravation is blinding. It's sharp, lingering presence cuts through the night. Water trickles down from my nose, my eyes and down my face. It allows me to see clearly. To feel, vividly. Exasperated, I clench my hands. My body quivers uncontrollably. I am in knots again. 

Love lost but never forgotten.

Unable to walk alone, I'd run to nowhere at all.

In This Journey

The door is held open by the crack of light beneath it. It's held wide, held tight. The way I carried you. I'll catch you. My heart held by hands with wings. Towards warmth I meet you along the coastline. With the wind at our backs, we yield the horizon under our feet. Open wounds cry in grievance, a thirst for the light to flood them. To heal them.

In savage, rabid tears we'll meet love with crushing force. Raw, unaltered.
We'll penetrate the sky with our fingertips.
Our epilogue doesn't stop here.
Our story will make history.

I just died when you walked out the door. The footsteps that followed had nothing to leave behind.

Bleakest complexion at the water's edge.

Oh, silence, you're weighing me down.

My heart sinks in humility.

What, then, does safety mean to us?

You proceed into the earth from figments of dreams. 

Incarnation.

The sky torches my body and my ashes are spread over the sea.

Galaxies of constellations lead me in favor of something greater.

Discover the plains of heaven in dire consequence.

Save me from myself.

End this life.

Soothing, rhythmic trance. Satellites. Clouds. Cast is my breath in rays of falling rain. Descending with the time. Uphold my eyes.

The Divine Appointment

Shifting in spiritual terrain, walking the corridors of god, bearing goodness, granting smiles. The exchanging of light and reason. Powerless, I project my breath toward the peaks. Silently, I cry: I nuzzle my head into the moonlight with crippling hesitation. Dreaming upon November stars, I plea for flight. I wish for warmth. I long for this passion to retain shape. To take place. To find grace.

In Time

I paddle in stride, in time. In time these wounds will grasp the concept of healing. 

In time I will discover the strength of my hands.

In time I will redefine, reroute, retrace, reshape.

Restore.

Before. 

It's too late.

I'll dissipate into warmth.

Reclaim.

I'll swing from fences and hang from tree branches.

I am without a saviour, yes, without a saviour.

Repeat these words with miles of open road.

Desert sands procrastinate over sleepy slopes.

Redeem.

Redeem my will to live.

At last I see, the sights that went unseen.

Rejuvenate.

In time.

I have yet to hurt as much as I do at this moment.

Critical Peace

I don't know what you are or how you will ever find me, but every time I turn to the sky and believe, I know our hearts coincide. Arms of reassurance, eyes of fire. Your hand in mine to keep me from searching. Your lips pressed against mine in the dark will keep me from screaming. The great empty. Inhale and I die a little more. Calamity: Echoes retrace grief. This culmination of despair will be the last I have to leave behind. 

My heart, a stigma of hopelessness, gently lowered over the valleys of dawn. I drop to my knees at the roadside and plea to the silent earth with humble breath. I can gasp, but I can no longer question. I cannot comprehend these scrolls. These pages of history, wisdom of our fathers defiled. The words seem to dip and form lines with the craters of the moon. No parallel lines exist. I bled to death on the pyre, without an answer.

Pale Light, Cryptic Night

I look below in hopes that my feet will dangle gracefully but the winds are foreboding. Heaven has cast me out tonight. I will recover my heart at a later time, unannounced. Tears of apathy my veil. Imperial landscapes of ice be my shield undying. I mold with the caress of time as I say goodbye.

My epitaph is scrawled in smoke across the sky; departure. Distraught in absence, this day is withdrawn.

Reach

Deeper I tread, channels of despondency. You understand these tears. You try and catch me before I hit the ground but I slip through your wings. I am the ashes which linger. I am growing fear. I am the silent breath of the ocean calm. I am cold. I could curl up in this cave and die in the dark before I am able to reach you.

A Few Earnest Words

An eagle soars with ease; This mirror no longer holds my reflection. 

The next thing I knew, I woke up underneath the branches that seemed to protect me from the daylight closing in all around me. 

I've searched these blankets of land. 

Shores of melancholy matched with a palette of static.

Weary array of antique rose pedals.

You could trace the circumference 

of

my

heart

with

your

fingers

and I wouldn't know to feel your touch.

Division

The cold earth sank below my feet softly adrift an autumn catharsis. I am outstretched as the amber fields lay, chasing the light of the sun retreating. Tree tops glimmer in radiant hues of orange and gold, beyond all reaches of time and space. Benevolent tears mark the path across the stars. My sea is endless. 

I'll recede into this memory one last time before I turn to the world and ask so graciously to be forgotten again. I will fly amongst the catacombs and mend my heart with the threads of your celestial needlework. My home lies in the wind. My soul, restless, runs with the beckoning of wolves. Moonlit garden enshroud, the majestic mountains my crown. 

Nothing but animosity towards my life. This world means nothing to me. 

Paths Among Differential Plains; Redemption

I hear the chirping of birds and insects all around me. Running waters, serene shores. Moonlight silhouettes placed against the red of the rising sun. I am alone in this night and I am one with the stars. I hear echoes of the past, singing me to sleep in a sombre reprieve. No return. I gaze into you once again, but this time from a place less afraid. A place which is far beyond the reaches of my own hands. I come to you with a heart wide open. I come without such vulnerability, such shame. I come to you as love. It's time to embark on this path, never to look back. No guidance but the light in my eyes and the fire in my heart. No arms to embrace me, no lips to promise me. I can at last let my arms dangle freely as I've given up this fight. I no longer need to shield my face from this world.

Frailty

Floating gently through my river of tears as my breath escapes me again. Back from the streets only with scars to prove my venture. Sorrow, how you resurface. I'll corrode into rust. I will drink the night and all the while drown in it's emptiness. I will die as I have many times before. I will kiss dawn's sacrament before my eyes are concealed forever. 

''Orange and pink streaks sail across the blue of the sky, large birds silhouette themselves against the red of the rising sun, clouds inch their way toward me. I can feel blood dripping from the wounds on my face and I can feel my heart beating and I can feel the weight of my life beginning to drop and I realize why dawn is called mourning.''

You're a real boy! She softly moaned to the trees. You echo in my imagination and warm my inquisitive heart like brimstone. If only you could love me the way you were destined to. You don't love yourself though, and I want you more than anything to do so. Don't you see that there is tomorrow? If only you could look into the mirror, into that beautiful soul of yours and understand what this world would be missing if you weren't apart of it. Oh how you light my life, boy. How you shine down through the darkness. Lift the razors from your skin and dance and tumble with the leaves. 

But I see nothing but shadows. I see shades of grey and white, no gold. Where is the gold? I love you my darling, believe me if you choose to believe anything. I hate myself and I am sorry. I am lost and smothered by the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. Hands have reached for mine but I am turning my back on them. I am closing the door. 

I don't know what to live for. I don't know where to go. I'm so scared I'm going to wake up and find that my life has passed me by. 

I Am the Earth

My spirit is one with the ocean, the waves that hold the key to my heart. I am the horizon, infinite and vast. I am the sand, ever-changing. I am the pyramids of time, unchanged. I am the embodiment of everything you fear, loathe and love. I am blessed with choice. I am blessed with the unknown. I know nothing. I am everything.

Encircle

With the road beneath me and the city lights all around me, shining with glorious prosperity, I felt a strange warmth envelop me. Cascading waves of streetlight echoes marked in soft puddles, embedded in my memory. Traffic light conception, triumphant gleams of concrete towers behind glass, through open eyes. Deaf to the screams of malice which shatter at the waters edge. Break away, free fall to no end. Awake and dreaming. My sorrow set ablaze by a burning desire to change. 

Refrain From Being

The rivers are flooding over, defacing what once stood above all. Inert tranquility, serenity's coldest touch. I was asked to make a wish tonight and I didn't know where to even begin. 

I am hopeless. My life is descending towards oblivion. What if I continue to tremble at the motionless sky until dawn subsides forever? Relinquished to stagnant gazes, skylines as empty as my heart wishes it could be. Maybe then I could cope in this world. 

A Distance Fathomed

Lately, I've been feeling like my sadness or depression is the only way to actually recover the truth. Where happiness is the fallacy that implements joy for a brief period of time but proves to be nothing more than a way to fill the gap, or a temporary outfit to escape this unbearable, desolate force that grips me with each passing breath. I want to reconcile all that my heart holds and what means the most to me so I can finally live my life free of these contingencies and all the hurt, emptiness and dejection I have carried with me throughout my life. Open roads around me and stars above me. I only know what it feels to be disconnected. Take me in. Afloat a river of amiss questioning and reasoning undefined. Break me. Pray for me, I see only blank stares, faceless legions of ghosts. Humanity is caught in the undertow but I am swept to life again. Withdrawn like always, retreat to surrender the sun. May my spirit dance among the stars forever and cross into centuries behind today, beyond tomorrow and for as long as tears fill my eyes. Will I one day look into a flame and feel some sense of belonging? What if my hopes for this world, this life are never fulfilled? My heart beats to the sound of it's own drum. What if it is never heard? 

I still feel so alone. Cool. 

Don't Wake Me Up

This isolation is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life. Sequestered to my own fucking hell. My prospects are dead like my spirit that lies in ruins at my feet.

Tides of Time

There must be something out there, beyond these walls, behind these barriers. City fragments lie diminished, pierced against the sky in ruin. I can feel myself losing touch. I'm happiest asleep because nothing matters then, nothing hurts then and nothing is expected. You can't fall short in dreams. Nights are growing longer and days are growing shorter. I witness the sun's ever growing beams of light fade behind a grey horizon line. Incessant rainfall reminiscent of tears. Dismantle my heart from it's highest point of greatness. With your words, your whisper upon my face. Your presence is the glow in my eyes that hits me like the winds that roll in off these tides of time. These jagged rocks pierce through the skyline, giving a whole new meaning to life. Adapt, create, destroy. Feelings are reborn and diminish with the seasons. The first light of winter has caused a shift in my promised land.

Tempest Rise

Above the world and looking down through the stars, through the infinity gates. With each passing memory of you, the stars burn out one by one. A final blow of the candles flame and the day is gone. Night commence my longing spirit. See through me and all that I have to give. I am seeking salvation within your hope that is granted through truth. Rapture wash over me. Raised hands to the clouds, screaming from the pit of my stomach to the depth of my soul. Send me your wisdom so it can lead me to a place that knows no fear. Take me there. Cast to the very edge of the earth where time stands at a still and winds carry only a burden of tragedy. I see you fading in the distance and it's breaking me, taking me in. You sweep over me like a canopy that fell from the very lips of god. Suspended and embraced in it's warmth I fall into sleep. Your hands. Your breath. Your light. Your life.

I've been holding back tears today. The way I try to get to know people, the way I care and what I invest is never returned and in turn makes me feel like nobody is ever going to know who I am and that is my biggest fear. I'm afraid of dying and nobody knowing what's inside of me, how my head works, what my heart holds true and what I loved the most. If there is a god, I need you now. 

A pale grey tide sweeps the streets with pity rain to wipe the deceivers clean. Canyons of gold and frost tarnished, mesmerized. Shores splintered along cliffs, gasping for breath with each crash of a wave. I walk the earth in light of discovery with my chin held high and my arms stretched out as the horizons bear me my name. Harness strength from the depths of the ocean floor. Translucent daybreak, mirrors rendering fire.

All my life I have felt like there wasn't anywhere I really fit. I've been called deep, over-analytical, intense, passionate, witty, sarcastic, reserved and overly sensitive. I'm starting to find peace in living my daily life with little expectations and not worrying or caring about too much of anything. Going with the flow has never been easy for me but it is something I am getting pretty comfortable with. I know I am going to die someday and I'm not afraid. There is something in my heart telling me that there is nothing to fear and I am listening closely and deeper than I ever have. It feels like my spirit is living outside of my body and that I'm learning to function without it for the first time. The clouds are cascading, endless and hopeful. They caress my face with a promise of divinity. I dreamt of this moment. The moment in my life where I could finally be free of the bonds of others and the shackles that have held me down for so long. 

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Not really sure why but I think it might be because I've been feeling alright. I guess I've just been drifting through the days but I'm not nearly as unhappy and I'm not expecting anything of anyone. I used to feel that I had no direction, no skills, no place to go once school was finally out but I'm actually feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay for some reason. I realize now that all of the depression I felt before was completely, 100% situationally based. Now that I'm finally past that I can have some faith in myself. My road test for my G2 is less than 3 weeks away. Beyond excited for that. Also, the weather is really lifting my spirits. I decided to spend the rest of my savings on a sweet new bike so I can finally ride again. That was always when I felt the happiest. Cruising around town and rolling home from work with the wind in my hair and nothing but the world around me for the taking. Hopefully I can start hitting some jumps too. I love riding dirt because not only am I in the woods, but I can build jumps and use my imagination. It's pretty much the best feeling ever. My life is pretty uneventful otherwise, but I think that's going to change pretty soon. I'm literally biking and working all summer long, it's going to be so dirty. Late night cruises to Oakville and shopping trips to Toronto. Tons of camping and shows too. I should probably be thinking about school applications at this point in time but fuck it, I'll apply when I'm sure. I was so sure I wanted to be a journalist or write for a paper or magazine or something but a trade is really appealing to me now. I could see myself making rustic furniture in my own little shop, or welding or even making cabinets. I've still got time to decide, and although my school tells me differently, I'm not listening. I'm only 17, I've got plenty of time. Aside from the awesome summer I'm going to have, I think I'm going to start putting more money away after I buy my bike. That's the last major purchase I'm making for awhile because I spent the other half on my tattoo. Maybe not the best idea but you're only young once so why not get it when money isn't a big concern? My wardrobe is almost complete. I've got tons of clothes that I actually like now, so I don't think I'll be buying too many new clothes anytime soon. I'm going to wrap this up now because I don't know where I'm trying to go with this post anymore haha. Thanks to anyone who is reading these. Peace.

These Lights Are Brighter Than Ever

My mom moved out yesterday after almost six years and I'm in total disbelief about how I'm feeling. All my depression, all my thoughts of suicide, all the anger, bitterness and self hatred have completely diminished. This is the greatest weight I have ever experienced lifted from my shoulders. It's just my grandma and I now. I actually feel in control of my life. I know I'm coming home to a place where I am actually comfortable and happy, not some war zone. I feel like my four years in high school could have been so much better if this had happened 5 years ago. I was painfully, painfully lonely in school and I wish it was different. I knew all along what was holding me back and it was all the guilt, the anger I had for my mom. I was angry that she didn't watch me grow up. I was angry at her for choosing drugs over me. I was angry that my dad was the most distant, defunct human being and poorest excuse for a father I could have asked for. I was angry that my mom made barely any progress in her own life the five years that she spent living with my grandma and I. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't just kick her the fuck out. I was angry that my grandma wouldn't face that my mother was to blame for tearing this household and family apart. I was angry that she was too weak to deal with this even though everyone knew exactly what the problem was and exactly what needed to be done to put an end to all of our suffering. I'm happy because absolutely none of this matters anymore. I can finally live my life the way I was destined to from the very beginning. I'll be driving soon. I'll be done with school and out of there forever. Looking back on these four years, I honestly didn't think I would make it out alive. I wanted to die more than anything. But now I genuinely believe that it wasn't because I was truly an unhappy person, but because I was so depressed with my situation and lack of control in my life that I just couldn't find what it was that I needed to want to continue. I went through school totally sober which actually made this whole situation worse because not only was I completely aware of all these feelings, but I used nothing to numb the effects that they had on me. They would just perpetuate, day in, day out and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain. I don't care if this sounds lame, but I feel so strong now. I hope I can someday forgive my mom and that she'll understand the damage that she caused me, but for now I need the space from her. My grandma was there for me from the start and it looks like she'll be there in the end too. If you ever read this I hope you know how much I love you. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Everything seems so much lighter now. It was impossible before. My mom here, everyday. The feelings went along with that. I couldn't let go under those circumstances. I've never been able to put into words exactly what my mom has done to me and why it hurt me so bad. I'll save that one for another time. This past weekend in Georgetown was probably one of the best I've ever had. I felt completely at peace with myself and the people around me. I've always stayed true to myself and felt okay about that, but this was the first time I actually felt proud of that. I felt such liberation eating what I wanted, going where I wanted, when I wanted. Sleeping where I wanted and doing whatever I felt like doing. I'm grateful I didn't cut my life short because I deserved this chance. I knew it all along and I knew I could grasp it someday. I know these feelings are only going to grow. I can't stop now. I've come so far and the lights are brighter than ever.

I'm spinning so fast and I've lost all sense of direction. I've got my hands held out in the dark, waiting to break the fall. This is one of the darkest places I have ever been in. The only thing really getting me through is the fact that my mom is moving out and that I'll be driving soon. I can finally shed some skin and look to getting my new life on track. I want so desperately to put all of the burdening my mom has caused behind me forever. No turning back. If you ever read this dad, I can't forgive you. I'm sorry but it is too late for you. You failed as a father and a man. You missed out and it's your loss. You never knew me and I doubt you ever will. I sacrificed my childhood for you, mom. Not knowing one day to the next whether you would live to see me grow up, or wake up from your binge the night before. I wasted so much time on both of you, trying to figure out what I can do or what I could change to make this all better. It's all your fault, honestly. You fucked up. I grew up. I got my hopes up. I raised the bar. I actually expected both of you to be nurturing, loving figures. What more does a child need than to know he can still feel alive? I don't know what I want anymore or where I belong. I'd be kidding myself if I ever said that I actually knew or even had a clue. Something is missing, and it's something big. Is it a relationship? Or maybe it's the relationship I used to have with myself that disappeared. The one with my parents that ceased to exist from the very beginning. Maybe I could meet a new girl and get somewhere with her for a change. Lay together and gain some understanding, at least for a little while. Listening to her and learning about her. I could share fond memories and she could share hers too, all the while walking hand in hand. I want more than anything to feel that. To get completely caught up in the moment and be swept away completely by a glisten in her eyes. Hold hands, fall asleep. Wake up and spend the day in bed. I'd make you breakfast and kiss your forehead like you were the best friend I could have ever asked for. We'll take a drive, and stargaze. We'll watch the city lights shine with dignity and burn out all in a single moment. Your handprint is burnt into my heart forever. A wish for understanding. A wish for love, loyalty and compassion. For a way to overcome this struggle that is raging within me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it. 

I've read my other posts over numerous times and feel that they do not advocate me in any way, except for a particular feeling or thought at the time which will undoubtedly be lost later down the line. I'd love to be able to completely sum myself up in a few short words just so I could feel understood effortlessly, by absolutely anyone, without any drawbacks. My thoughts, feelings and belief system are nothing more than a particle of dust, drifting along the surface, astray. I'll sometimes think about how many lives actually exist in the world and I ask myself how many of those lives will be something different. What will be unique about your existence, and what will not? I conclude that my life will leave a very small mark on the world and I am okay with this. My footprint will remain an accompanying bystander to that of the giant that is the world in which I am a part of. All the while I do not feel a part of this world in any way. I like to look at this as a realistic philosophical standpoint rather than a pessimistic one. It's interesting to think about how something as simple as a leaf or the captivity of the moonlight can influence so much of my thoughts and what emotions can be brought out from within me because of it. I see hints of other worlds in the reflections of a crystal lake. Mountain top silhouettes, serrated skyline. I believe in other worlds. I believe in life unknown to us. I believe in love, in compassion, and an honest nature. I believe that death is merely a departure and the start to something new and something beautiful. I do not fear the end and I certainly do not fear what lies beyond our knowledge. Vast and perpetuating. A mind wanders, fields, paths. Erosion. Decay. Rebirth. 

''Disconnecting hearts and reverence denied. We are justified only through our dreams where we sleep soundly among the many broken and lost before us.''

I'm actually in a bitter mood again. I was fortunate enough to not feel that at all over the break, but coming back to school today brought me back to those feelings I thought I had finally abandoned. Sure enough three out of four of my classes are grade 11. Perfect. I don't know/and or talk to anyone in all of them. I can't wait to put all of this behind me and finally surround myself with people that are right for me, if they're out there at least.  24 is on tonight at least. Stoked as fuck on that. Hopefully that 1 hour of greatness can make up for my day that wasn't so great. 

I haven't written a blog in awhile so I thought I would mosey my way over here and write one. Semester two starts tomorrow. Hopefully I can get my shit together because it's going to be much heavier than the first. Oh well, it's my last shot at highschool life so that might motivate me along. May and June should rule because I'll finally be driving to school and the weather will be nice. I miss walking around at 9:30 at night in a tee. I'll probably just take a whole bunch of hours at the Superstore when I'm finished. I'd like to go to college down the road but I need to take some time to figure out what it is that I want to do. I did surprisingly well this past semester considering I hardly showed up. I managed to pull an 80% in Art somehow (I don't know how!) and a high eighty in English. 64% in Woodshop but I don't give a shite, that class is for the birds haha. Comm Tech was an ''incomplete'', so that bought me some more time to work on my video. I must say that overall that isn't too bad considering this past few months has been such a struggle and I felt that I didn't do well at all. Imagine if I actually tried. I could achieve a lot. As usual, I'm working at 4:00 this evening. Not crazy about closing on Sundays but whatever, it'll get me out of the house. I had the sweetest sleep of life last night so this is as good as it gets for me. 

So as usual, I'm not stressing about exams whatsoever seeing as I barely even try at school. Grade 9 was my only good year academically and it all seemed to spiral downhill after that. I really don't know what caused that to happen but it's unfortunate that I chose to fuck myself like that. If I put forth even a minimal effort I might not feel like such a failure. Hopefully I actually get out of bed tomorrow morning for my first class. I haven't been to that class, on time, in over a month. Wow, so much for busting my ass in my senior year. What am I a senior of exactly? The second floor of the locker bay is reserved for senior students, and let me tell you, it is not all it's made out to be. When I first came to EC, I thought it was the coolest place to be, the cream of the crop, the top of the food chain. In the younger grades, I pondered thoughts of looking down on all the kids below me and how sweet it must feel to be a big, scary grade 12. Well now that I'm there it's absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. I expected high school to be the way it's portrayed in the movies. I wasn't reckless or dangerous. I didn't take risks. I didn't make friends. I didn't party and get fucked up. I didn't get anything out of being there and I sure as hell didn't have fun. I never tried to validate myself with a ''crew'' or take advantage of any drunk chicks half naked at parties. Maybe now I wish that I had. I can't express how shitty it makes me feel and what a let down I've been to myself to miss out on all the glory that is these 4 years. Whether it's getting loaded, or joining clubs or even having a splinter of school spirit, I avoided it all. I made a conscious choice to stay away from drugs and alcohol and the party life. I didn't feel the need to submit myself to that lifestyle because I knew that these weren't people that I needed or wanted in my life. I never felt the need to fit in with any particular group or sway my beliefs or opinions in order to impress. All of the important things to most of the people in school never meant a thing to me but a piece of me kind of wishes that they did. At least I would know then what is important. Here I am, still Straight Edge after a year, still healthy and intact with a brain to match but still without any sense of direction, feeling of personal accomplishment, and any kick ass memories that were my high school days. I'm not saying I regret my decision to dismiss drinking and drugs, I just wonder what life would be like had I gone through high school doing what most kids do. I wonder what I would be like. Would I be any happier, or would I succumb to numbness of all emotion? Would I pity myself even more, or would I be too fucked up to care? I really don't know the answer to that but the one thing I do know is that I am done with that place. I wouldn't mind walking away with something other than a piece of paper saying that I did my time but it seems that it's too late for that. I need to find my smile and something tells me it's not far from reach. Let's find a reason to want to be here, shall we?  

Things have been mostly looking up a great deal for me lately. I've realized a lot of really valuable things that I think will help shape the next few months. Aside from being super bored of my music collection and the school system in general, I'm feeling good. This is probably one of the few times in my teen years that I haven't had feelings for a girl. I can't express how freeing that is. Just not caring about a relationship for a change. A committed, honest and loving partnership will always be in the back of my mind because it's a fundamental part of who I am and what I want out of life. It's not everything, but it's a part of what I want in the long run. I've been talking to some really cool girls lately and it's been all around really nice. Just keeping it simple and making friends. Hopefully I'm past making the usual mistakes where girls are concerned. Not jumping in, not investing so many feelings, not giving too much away too quickly. All of these things hurt me in the past and butchered relationships that probably would have worked out at some other time in my life had it been for a different mindset. Aside from that, work is great. I love coming home reeking to high heaven of smoked turkey and black forest ham. Having a fat paycheck in the bank every Thursday and the satisfaction of knowing I earned the money I'm working for. One of the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced was biking home from work in the summer with my IPod blaring and the wind in my hair. It was honestly unreal. School sucks total nut, but I've got a lot more writing courses next semester so that should encourage me a little bit more to attend and hopefully it will validate the direction I want to go in once highschool is done. Basically I want to put in a good effort and really figure out if writing is for me. I'm almost positive that it is. Come February, most of my classes will be geared towards business which should be interesting considering I've never really dwelled in those courses before because I knew they were more of a challenge and I've been afraid to challenge myself. Work, school, and some perspective on life. Freedom is soon to follow and I absolutely cannot wait. Get stoked ladies and gentlemen. 

I've become so numb and transpired to emptiness. I'm no longer prone to such vulnerability which is relieving in it's own right, but it feels lonelier than ever now. I'm having trouble caring about anything that matters. I can barely laugh or smile while I'm at school. I avoid people and I don't really care to keep in touch with people. I've got a lot of important decisions to make in the next few months but I don't know if I have the strength or motivation to do so. Trying to maintain a positive attitude towards any progression in my life at all hasn't lasted more than a few days. I'm well aware of where I falter but I seriously lack the will to get back up again. I need to brush off and move on. I want to let go of the past.

January/5/09

So today was our first day back to school from the Christmas break and let me tell you, it was really eventful. So eventful in fact I completely forget what happened because there was just too much going on. That was sarcasm at it's finest. I got there semi on time, around 8:20 which is huge for me considering I slept in until about 9:30 or later everyday before the break began. Funnily enough I think I actually got something out of that time off. I learned a thing or two about myself, worked quite a bit and just lounged around the house. Nothing special, but hey, I'm coming back to school with a little better mindset than I had before I left. I decided that I'm really going to push myself to do well next semester. I'm going to clean up my attendance and hopefully leave that place with some confidence under my belt. I would like to be proud of something that I accomplished for once. It's my last chance to prove to myself that I'm worthy of doing a good job. Walking through those halls today was painstakingly familiar. It feels like I hadn't even been away from them at all. I've got to say that walking home for lunch alone everyday is really starting to bum me out. Sometimes I wish I was somebody else so I could look at my day through different eyes. I wonder if they're as lonely as I am.

I'm 17. Holy fuck, I can't believe I'm one of the kids I remember fearing way back when I was a little boy. I still remember being at my grandmas side, being afraid of almost everything in the world. My eyes filled with fear and wonder. Now I just see these fears as opportunities. Wow, time really does fly. I'm going to be done high school soon and before I know it I'll be venturing out into the real world. It scares the shit out of me but at the same time I can't wait for this next phase of my life. I know it's going to be some of the best years ever. I'm not tied down to anything and I'm completely free to experience whatever it is that I want. I'll have my G2 in April and I honestly think that is going to be life changing. Being able to just drive. I can crank my music and let the road take me. I'll let the road carry me home. Wherever that may be is for me to discover. I'll have a place of my own someday. Nothing fancy, just a simple little place. Hell, it'll probably be a pile of shit, but it'll be my pile of shit. I'll drive a shitty car to my shitty, dead end job and I'll come home to a girl who knows me for who I really am and loves me anyway. I'll go off to college and feel like I accomplished something there. Hopefully I'll get married one day. I want a family. I want to have kids and I'm going to give them everything that my parents never gave me. I know everybody says that but I'll follow through. There are two places I feel at my absolute best. Shows, and in nature. I love losing myself to the trees and finding refuge in all the beauty that mother earth holds. There is something so liberating about being completely alone in the wilderness. I don't even know how to explain it. I can gather all my thoughts collectively. I can reflect on memories and my life and just smile because I feel completely safe. I can stare into a river and feel complete peace. I can witness the leaves falling from a tree and feel at one with it. I can look at the mountains, stretching forever from the corner of my eye and know that I have found my salvation. With nature, there is no distance, no pain and no longing. It is what it is and that's all there is to it. Shows give me much the same high as nature does. Screaming your lungs out to words that have gotten you through some of the roughest points in your life is something that I will always hold extremely close to my heart. I'll never forget the first show I did that at. It was Oceans in Burlington, Ontario. The line was, ''You will always be fighting with us, we will always be fighting for you.'' There is something so magical about a room full of sweaty kids who share the same passion for something as you do. I've been searching for passion in things for a long time, and one of the only things that really fulfills that for me is writing. It doesn't matter what it is. As long as I can express myself through words I know that I will always be okay. One of my greatest hopes in life is that people will get to know me through my writing, or at least gain something from it. Understanding, insight, whatever. That's not up to me. I write what I feel and I live what I write. It is something that is so important to me and if you know me personally, something you know that I love to do. With all this being said, I'm just downright scared to move on. I'm scared to progress through life but it's something that I want more than anything else. I suck in school, I couldn't cook you a fish if it was the last one in the sea, but I'm trying to tell myself that I'm something. I'm making an effort to find a reason to be here because I know deep down that life truly is worth living.

So basically I figure my first real post might as well be about something that has been bothering me a considerable amount lately. Brace yourselves because there will be more of these to come. Relationships and people in general. I don't know if it's just me but friendships and relationships these days seem to be typically very superficial and void. When I hear about old couples who have been married for 50 odd years it puts a smile on my face. I totally light up at the thought. All the hardships these people have gone through and all the amazing times too, you can't forget those. At the end of the day they are still grateful for each other. To me, that's the way it should be. I can't have it any other way. That seems to be a lost cause and I for one think that's tragic. What ever happened to love for the sake of loving? It seems like that has become a thing of the past. Maybe visionary splendor. I've had five or six relationships gone bad now (if that's what you even want to call them) and to be totally honest, I've grown rather jaded. I don't really expect anything of anyone anymore, including friendships. I for one am not satisfied with the usual ''Hey, what's up?'' conversation. I always seem to long for something more and expect people to be able to give me more than that. Sometimes it's timing, but sometimes not everyone is capable of giving to that capacity. I've learned over the past few months that there is a big difference between friends and good people. Good people aren't necessarily your friends and your friends aren't necessarily good people. I've decided to take a break from relationships because I'm tired of leaving myself so vulnerable. I seem to spill my heart out to every girl I meet and in the end it's my hope for what we could have been that leaves me out to dry. I'm in love with love, and although it can be an extraordinary feeling, it's a very lonely one most of the time. I will not to continue to jump in with both feet. This most recent relationship that ended was an eye opener for sure, but has left me very bitter. I don't trust nearly as easily because she taught me that people tend to say what you want to hear and will go along with something strictly because it feels nice at the time. I've been terrified to lose my virginity for the longest time because I didn't know how to cope with it if everything went sour between us. I fall for a girl as soon as I kiss them, how will I be once I have sex with one? Probably worse. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure that my first time isn't that big of a deal. If I take it how I normally would, my heart will probably be shattered again. Something else I've learned is that I have never missed a girlfriend while I'm in the relationship or once it ends. I've never connected with a girl the way I want to so how could I miss it if I know that it isn't right? Maybe I'm just clinging on to hope. Clinging to my dreams of what my ideal relationship should feel like. Honestly, I have no expectations. I never have and never will. I have a very vivid perception of how it should feel, but I have absolutely none otherwise. I've been told that I do and that they're way too high but I can't see it. All I want is a girl who is comfortable enough with me to wear her pajamas around me. I want to be able to fall asleep with her and know that she won't wake up the next day and be on to the next one. A girl I can just spend the day talking to, maybe make her breakfast in bed. I just want to be able to talk to people. Friendship is valuable and so is time spent with people. I don't give it away as easily anymore because it usually isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, no one will ever take away my ability to love and I will always believe that the right girl is out there for me, somewhere. Whether I meet or tomorrow or ten years from now makes no difference. I believe in love and I believe in light. But for once I'm keeping my eyes open and holding my heart a little closer.

Brand Spankin' New.

I just decided to make this today, as I am someone with a lot of opinions to voice and a lot of feeling inside me. I need an outlet. In a world were there are so few people to rely on and share your stories with, I'm turning to the internet hahaha. But really, the reasons for this blog are simple- I want to express myself, my thoughts and my decisions. I could care less who reads this, I just want to die knowing that I left at least some mark on the world. I am 17 years old. I need to know that there will be some proof of my existence when I'm long gone. Maybe my kids will read this someday. Who knows for sure.